I have been trying to write my next post and get bogged down every time. It is not that I have nothing to write about, believe me, I have a lot to get off my chest, its just that everything seems to come out sounding so depressing or “woe is me”ish and that is not what I want to portray. I want it to be real and I don’t want to sugar coat things, but when I put down on paper some of the things I am dealing with…well…I begin to feel a little depressed.
I think that being a mother of any child that has challenges to face seems to be a daunting task and the responsibilities of motherhood seem to weigh heavier on our shoulders and I personally seem to give myself a lot of unneeded guilt, but how do you not feel guilty when you see your own child suffer or struggle. I think ADHD and GAD are especially hard for the Carson’s of the world to deal with because Carson is almost the same as any other kid. He looks the same, he talks the same, so when he can’t control washing his hands or having panic attacks other kids who can control those things don’t quite understand. So when Carson struggles to make and keep friends my heart just bleeds for him and makes me feel this overwhelming sense of guilt for not being able to fix his problem, for being the person who probably passed on the genes that caused his problem, for letting him watch TV as a toddler, for feeding him preservatives and not enough omega 3 fatty acids. I feel all these things and begin to feel overwhelmed, but I forget that I am not in this alone.
I have a wonderful, supportive husband, I have a great support system in my pediatrician, psychologist, extended family, and of course I have a loving Father in Heaven who is over all things. I need to lean on him more and know that whom He calls, He qualifies. So I can do this and do it well. Most importantly I have Carson. He wants to succeed, he wants to do well in school and he wants to overcome. He is smart and funny and some of his best qualities come from his different way of looking at the world. When I sit and worry about him am I setting him up for failure? Am I really sending the message that I don’t think he can do it?
This is a new beginning. I need to let go of the guilt and the worry and live in the now and know that Carson can do it. He may have bad days, but he too is a precious child of our Heavenly Father and with that he has Divine potential that I need to recognize. It will continue to be a struggle and there may be battles, maybe even many of them, that we will lose, but in the end we will prevail.
Okay, that last line was especially cheesy, but it does have the ring of truth.
Melissa
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Way to make me cry, Melissa. Way to make me cry. (In a good way...)
ReplyDeleteAnd, as a side note: When I read your post and got tears in my eyes, Bryce looked at me, and didn't say anything, he just looked for a second and said, "Let me give you a kiss, mama." And then I blew my nose and he said, "Your nose makes a big honk." How can we not love our kids to pieces?!
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteCan we be friends? I read your blog and think somehow you have dived inside my brain.
Sometimes when I talk or write about my experience with my son I think, whoa, hello Ms Negative but there is so much more to this experience than the pain. A bright happy child is there wanting, trying to succeed. I often feel that if it were not my genes than it must be because I got divorced or because he went to daycare when he was young or because he was not breastfed. But like you said this is a new day, each day we wake up and start anew.
So thank you for sharing your experience, your heart whether it be joy or sorrow.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI too am a friend of Lisa's and saw your blog on her facebook page. I am grateful you started this blog; I know how difficult dealing with ADHD can be.
My son, Steven, is now 11 years old and was diagnosed when he was 5. Going through the diagnosis process was terribly painful and disheartening, but looking back, I'm grateful he was diagnosed as early as he was. (I can share that story another time, if anyone's interested.) Like you, we had a wonderful support team with his psychologist, pediatrician, and loving family members. We made the decision to put him on medication and that, in an of itself, was an incredibly difficult decision to come to. There are so many judgements out there, and I believe no one else can know what is best for your child. The best day though was about three days after we started him on medication. He was in Kindergarten and his teacher called me to say, "I don't know what you've done, but I can teach my class again. Steven is doing so much better." When I saw him that afternoon, he was so proud of himself and proud of the fact that he'd had a good day.
These kids are incredibly smart children and in some ways, I've learned to look at his ADHD as a gift. He is bright, funny, and above all, kind. He worries about hurting the feelings of other children and he's usually the first to help someone in need.
Everyday, I thank my Heavenly Father for this wonderful boy! He brings so much joy each and every day and in spite of the heartache we've had, I wouldn't trade him or his ADHD for anything. My mom, who is deceased now, used to call him her golden boy because he was always so happy with a sunny disposition and always a smile on his face. He's just happy to be alive and that is truly a gift. If anything, I love him more because of the difficulties he has faced and will yet face.
Good luck with your family and thanks for starting this blog.
Lori Kaumans